Week 18 - Establishing Safety part 3: Vulnerability

On showing up anyway.

 

Here we are. 

Adult humans, walking around this planet Earth, held on by gravity, trying to do our best and live life and figure it out. We figure out how to not die, how to best stay alive, how to avoid danger and go after what we want and need. I once heard a therapist say that we all have “adjustment disorder”: we are all having trouble adjusting to being a human on the planet Earth. 

 

In talking about the nervous system and safety in previous weeks, we discussed the very real balance and constant dance between parasympathetic (rest and digest) and sympathetic (fight, flight, freeze) branches of the nervous system and how these touch every moment of our lives. We also briefly touched on the vagus nerve, which I have heard called the “nervous system of the soul”, which ties our mammalian being to others, hardwiring us for safety in a group through belonging and connection. 

It is so important to establish safety. To learn how our systems work and befriend them. To learn the very real, very necessary skills of relaxation, attention, and presence. To feel safe in our worlds so that we can thrive and live big, full, loving lives. 

 

And.

There is a caveat. A twist.

The truth is…. 

It is actually impossible to establish safety. 

We all know that deep down, and that is why we are so afraid, and why we hustle so much to try to feel comfortable (and never really do!).

We know we will die, along with everyone we love.

We know we are on a planet spinning through the cosmos.

We know we arrived here without a direction manual or map, and wait, what are we doing again?

Here it is. The ultimate paradox. That we have to show up fully for life, as we simultaneously appear to be screwed. 

 

I like to believe that this is a beautiful paradox, a freeing paradox. 

 

That because we are already pinned, we can stop fighting.

 

We can relax into the impossible complexity and mystery of it all.

 

The thing about pregnancy and birth and mothering - and all of life for that matter, but more acutely apparent at this time - is that the life and death aspect, the true danger, is at the forefront of our fear. You can actually lose a baby, lose a child, die in childbirth. These are real risks, that really happen. Therefore, life is terrifying. The glorious thing is that when we are aware of the terror, we also become aware of the enormity of the value in being alive. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Practicing this awareness & acceptance intentionally and growing through it sounds like a nice idea, but what does that mean? To me the big three practices of inner growth that permeate out to the rest of your life are: meditation, mindfulness techniques (like breathing, journaling, movement, etc), and cultivating our “inner narrator voice”. The effects of practicing awareness and acceptance can look like a million different things - from taking risks, to engaging in play, to creating art, to nurturing relationships, and all that good-and-hard stuff in life.

 

Making those lists in previous weeks (of our fears and safety reflexes) allows us to stop running from the fear. We're not being controlled by it, we're observing it. We can then gradually develop the ability to notice in the moment, when we are in a fear-based nervous system reaction (which will happen on the regular!), and bring the practiced awareness & acceptance to this. And by doing so, by turning to face it and explore it with curiosity, we befriend it. When we befriend our nervous systems, we develop the ability to regulate and return home to safety. 

 

Then we can realize that the point is not to avoid having fear by making a safe and comfortable life (that tends to get smaller and smaller), but to practice becoming comfortable with uncertainty and fear so that it no longer overwhelms you, no longer drives your car. Then you can live life to the fullest. 

 

When we trust that true danger will automatically elicit an immediate response from us, and that all other forms of fear are mind-created dramas of one flavor or another, we can begin to deeply relax a little and actually feel safer. Not take the stories so seriously. And when we do, because we will, our task is then to witness our own reactions with compassion. We’ve all heard the analogy of “being chased by a sabre tooth tiger” stress response that is commonly activated by modern day life. Even though we know, deep down, that a broken computer or numbers on a clock ticking away aren’t literally going to kill us right now, that doesn’t stop the full body panic response. The only thing that stops that is awareness, practice, and patience. 

 

Practices

Note: Do not try to do all the practices. Read through them, and see what calls to you. Take a portion of it, and make it your own. Always follow your gut. And remember, doing more is not better.

 

Writing Idea 1: This week, as often as you can, especially when you are feeling strong emotions, write down all your fears and concerns. Write write write without thinking or editing the words. This helps bring up the unconscious fears to the light of our consciousness. Every few sentences, or every topic change, insert a line of welcome from your “inner narrator” helper, the one who can accept all. These are the phrases we discussed in previous weeks such as: Thank you for helping me. You are so welcome here. I see you, I love you for protecting me. Try to use authentic words that speak to you in your voice. If you don’t mean them, just pretend you do for a minute, pretend you are speaking to a friend and mean them. This process of facing all and bringing a welcoming witnessing presence to everything validates it all. It is all real, because it is all part of our real human experience. AND, it helps our rational mind and intuition together naturally discern if the fears are really really real (again, this then calls for acceptance and awareness), or just feeling real but not actually TRUE. In other words, it separates ego-mind fear drama from reality.

 

In any case, you will be accessing your own peace and wisdom. 

 

Writing Idea 2: Create a little mantra for yourself. To remember to practice observing and accepting the nervous system in you.

What does establishing safety mean for you? I've explored what it means to me in this writing, in terms of the paradox. Is there some version of this that you could use as a mantra of acceptance? Something maybe a little light and funny? Something to put things in perspective and remember?

Samples:

Hell no, I am not at all safe, and I let go of control and relax anyway.

My body creates this perfect reaction to help me and keep me alive.

Thanks, nervous system, for preparing me to survive again!

I am practicing embodying safety even when I don't feel safe.

 

Practice:

Meditation 

Have you ever tried self compassion meditation? This is somewhat of a modern, brain-science researched spin on the ancient yogic meditative practices of loving-kindness, where we send wishes of health and happiness to (in order): ourselves, others we love, others we are neutral about, others we are enemies with, and then the whole world. Loving Kindness meditation is amazing, but takes discipline and training. Often, the hardest part for western women is the sending ourselves love part of it. 

Self compassion meditation flips this and allows us to practice self loving kindness through seeing our own suffering. 

I love the work of Kristin Neff, and her “self compassion break” audio recording is a 5 minute meditation introduction to how to do this. Her voice is so soothing, and it is easy to remember and do it on your own after a few tries.

https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/

It is the bottom one in the list here of ‘guided meditations’ called “Self compassion break”. 

Although I’m sure everything on her site is wonderfully helpful and therapeutic, so feel free to explore if you have the time!

Here is her explanation of the self compassion break, copied from her site:

 

“Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.

 

Now, say to yourself:

 

1. This is a moment of suffering

 

That’s mindfulness. Other options include:

 

This hurts.

Ouch.

This is stress.

2. Suffering is a part of life

 

That’s common humanity. Other options include:

 

Other people feel this way.

I’m not alone.

We all struggle in our lives.

Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest. Or adopt the soothing touch you discovered felt right for you.

 

Say to yourself:

 

3. May I be kind to myself

 

You can also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:

 

May I give myself the compassion that I need

May I learn to accept myself as I am

May I forgive myself

May I be strong.

May I be patient

This practice can be used any time of day or night, and will help you remember to evoke the three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most.”

 

 

What is so brilliant about this is that it allows us to see our common humanity, and feel connected to others in our suffering, and to own up to it honestly. This taps right into the vagus nerve “tend and befriend” aspect of our biology that is wired for connection and compassion, which automatically has a nervous system calming effect on our being.

 

Writing Idea 3- Take the above self compassion exercise and rewrite these 3 statements from a nervous system lens. (This is not my idea, a big thank you to researcher and teacher Deb Dana for her books and course on Befriending the Nervous System).

 

For example:

Statement 1. (This is a moment of suffering) --> This is a moment of my body having a stress response.

Statement 2. (Suffering is a part of life) --> The stress response is a universal perfect system that is serving me and all people.

Statement 3. (May I be kind to myself) --> May I know peace as I do my best to care for this body and mind.

Play around with the words until you find an interpretation that ACTUALLY feels soothing to your nervous system. (Even slightly soothing) Sometimes, the words "compassion", "self love", "kindness" all sound so abstract and unattainable. And we may have tried unsuccessfully and so feel blocked from those experiences. 

 

After re-writing, take a few moments to sit quietly and breathe and speak these words to yourself out loud, maybe with a hand over your heart or on your face. Imagine receiving these words, drinking in their message, and letting it be absorbed by your nervous system. Practice with this step will make it accessible in times of suffering, with the symbolic placing of your hand as a supporting gesture.  

 

Re-writing these messages and speaking them to yourself may not "establish safety", but it does establish YOU as the leader of all parts of your Being, the one who is beyond suffering. 

 

Be well, and be you!

Anna