Pregnancy Intention, Part 3
Welcoming What Shows Up

“Whatever arises, love that." ~Matt Kahn

"Let it belong." ~Tara Brach

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When you set an intent for that which you desire, what tends to show up is all that is evidence of you not having it.

 

This is how our minds work, and often this is a turn off to people. This is why we don’t make goals or intentions, and why we think our intention has failed, forget about it, and move on. This is actually proof that it is working. 

 

Your intention setting has stirred things deep in your subconscious. Things that feel scary, painful, unwanted, and unfamiliar. New beliefs or desires threaten their point of view which loosens them up, and these will arise. When you clearly state an intention, what will come into view is all of the opposing parts of your psyche. Buried deep in your subconscious, there is conditioning from your early childhood and on that creates structures in your brain patterns. Little entities in and of themself. Many branches of psychology including Internal Family Systems and Jungian analysis call these ‘characters’ or ‘parts’. These are not the real you, the whole you, just parts. We often even feel divided as in “part of me thinks this, but part of me thinks that!” An internal tension. And the truth is - Neither part is you. They are merely parts of you, parts there were programmed in a long time ago. 

 

When icky things come up, we often want to quickly hide or change that part of us because I'm-a-terrible-person-I-shouldn't-feel-this-way. By accepting uncomfortable thoughts/feelings into our awareness, we have more power than we did before. When we identify ourselves as the one who is witnessing, as the conscious being that holds all the parts together in this body, we are bigger than all of them. And we can love all of them. 

Not just tolerate. Not just show compassion towards. Not even merely accept. Actually WELCOME. 

 

This is like a martial arts maneuver in your psyche - instead of resisting what hurts and what we don’t like (which is totally normal and natural, and we’ve been fully conditioned to do since birth), if we turn towards it and embrace it, it actually backs down. ‘It’ - as an entity, as a part of us, feels heard. You can think of it as a child knocking on the bathroom door, or repeatedly asking for something. If we ignore the knocking, they will bang louder or scream so we can hear them and give them what they want. When we open the door to these parts, hear what they have to say, it is as if they feel understood and heard. They feel our conscious presence and loved, and tend to dissolve. 

 

For me personally, this practice has been game changing. I had been attempting to practice zen and acceptance for a long time, but I never really "got" it, until I went beyond a tolerant acceptance to actually loving on these unwanted things. And then, ironically, they often tend to go away or resolve. What I couldn't change by willpower or ignoring it, often magically transforms into something more peaceful by welcoming it.

 

This may sound strange, but consider giving it a try in the coming weeks if it feels intriguing. 

Writing Ideas:
 

1. Are there times when you feel split by your inner 'parts'?

Try writing down the perspectives of different parts. Next time you feel like "part of me feels this, but part of me feels this...", write about it, and flesh out each side, getting into the thoughts and emotions of that character. You don't have to agree with either part or take sides, just write out the parts. You could even write in third person, as in "she feels this way, and she feels this way."

 

• Any insights from this?

• Do you find it interesting that you can feel so differently about one thing?

• Do you feel differently on different days, or with different people, about the very same thing?

• What does that tell you?

• Is there something you feel strongly about that you can also feel an opposite part within you?

• Can you feel a neutral part within you that is observing the opposing activity, like watching a sports match or a theatre performance?

 

2. Write it down when you feel stressed or upset about anything (perhaps something in your experience that is contrary to your intention?), freewrite in your journal about it. The act of writing it down slows down and acknowledges it. This can be huge in and of itself, as it breaks the pattern of expressing, suppressing, distracting, numbing and otherwise avoiding feelings. 

 

After venting your frustrations/sadness/worries to the fullest extent that you can, welcome it. Literally. Gently. With words and calm attention. Speak to the emotion or obstacle, directly, as if “IT” is a separate entity. This is the jiu jitsu move that changes the power dynamic. Instead of being at the mercy of your experience, fearing it and running from the fear, you are now the observer, the welcomer, the lover of it. You may write down a message of welcome to “it”, or simply do it mentally, sending it as a verbal message.

 

My favorite welcome messages, come up with your own that resonate:

 

You are so welcome here.

I am thrilled you are here. 

Thank you for helping me. 

I see you.

You may stay as long as you like.

...and I love that.

 

It may seem ridiculous, and not even true. That's OK. Just know that part of you- the infinitely wise, unconditionally loving, higher right brain part of you -already on some deep level knows this.

Why not give it a try and see what happens?

 

[Example: let's say you set the intention "to greet each day with joy". Then, you wake up with pain, I-didn't-sleep-enough, or anxiety. What do you do? Some normal go to reactions might be, and understandably so: See, I can't do it; Forget it; That will never work; and so on. And then your result will be that you "can't do it", and you definitely do forget about it. An alternative - First, acceptance (always! keep layering it on!). Before accepting whatever is showing up that is not your intention, accept the reaction to it. Accept the "I can't do it", the "this sucks", the "whatever forget it." Why? Because it's there. That IS your mind's current reaction. And the way out is to go with it. It already is within you, and fighting your mind with another part of your mind is never the way. Here we have both an obstacle to your intention and a reaction to your obstacle, and accepting them both is nonresistance. So, what you do is welcome it. You notice the reaction - the frustration or annoyance with yourself or whatever it is for not living up to some perfect ideal of Intentional You. You can do this with words "hey, I see you annoyance. It's OK that you're here." Secondly, greet the obstacle itself: pain, the fatigue, the anxiety - "Hey exhaustion. I recognize you. Thank you for trying to help me." Then you keep accepting by feeling. Feel the exhaustion fully. And feel that you are bigger than it. That you are the space around it. Sense and observe if there is a small inner letting go of resistance. Feel what else shifts and allow feelings to flow and change.]

 

Practice - more relaxation.

There are very few things that aren't made better in life by relaxing. Dr. Amy Johnson says, telling someone to "Relax" is the best advice ever, but also the thing that no one likes to hear or listen to.

RELAX!

See?

And, it's hard to do in the heat of the moment. It takes a lot of practice to consciously relax. Sometimes our nervous systems simply can't do it, if we're triggered by trauma or a deeper embodied fear.

Living in a rhythm where you know you will return to relaxation is so good for our nervous systems. Practicing relaxation during pregnancy is a must, both as training for the birth event, as well as motherhood in the postpartum period and beyond.

 

Try out 2 short audios when you feel like a quick chill pill:

1. Shoulder Exhale, which guides you to exhale and let go of the tension in your shoulders. This is more of a technique than a meditation, and you can do it on the go whenever you want after you learn how.

2. Allow & Relax, which is a 3 and a half minute meditation to guide you into being with whatever is in your experience right now.

 

Now, RELAX!

Just kidding.

Be well, and be you,

Anna

 

Acknowledgements and More Resources on this Topic

Whole Brain Living by Jill Bolte Tailor

Self Mastery & Beyond + Community, the work of Eva Beronius and Gary Van Warmerdam

Dr. Amy Johnson

The work of Kyle Cease

Matt Kahn Love Revolution