Nervous System Regulation Techniques
Part 1: Understand
Part 2: Try out Techniques
Part 3: Keep Going
Sources
Part One: Understand Your Nervous System
What is stress?
“You can’t be without stress. That would mean you would be without effort.”
~Lisa Feldman Barrett, author, neuroscientist, researcher
Stress is your body’s response to a demand. The stressor is what happens to us (real or in our mind), while the stress itself is what happens in our bodies. The stress response, also called nervous system activation, also called “fight or flight” is for the purpose of keeping us alive. In true emergencies, our bodies undergo dramatic instantaneous changes (such as pupil dilation, blood flow to the extremities, rapid heart rate, increased breathing) as well as swift hormonal changes (adrenaline, noradrenaline, and cortisol). In everyday anxiety, our bodies mount a smaller version of the same response including shallow breathing, muscle tension, and ongoing stress hormone release, which can quietly drain our energy when it doesn’t shut off.
The complexity grows from there. There are so many different flavors of stress:
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Good: Some stress is good (what’s known as “eustress” - challenges us to grow, pushes us out of our comfort zone, necessary for achieving goals)
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Bad: some stress is bad (chronic stress is known to be a direct cause of decline in physical and mental health¹)
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Acute: some is short term, lasting seconds/minutes/hours
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Chronic: some stress is long term, lasting weeks/months/years.
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In addition to Fight or Flight, there is Freeze (shutting down, immobilization) and Fawn (people pleasing. The dog rolling over to the alpha.)
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Stress can be generated:
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Mentally (we don’t just react to actual threats, but also to perceived threats, aka thoughts.)
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Emotionally (worry, frustration, sadness, or overwhelm can all contribute to the stress response.)
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Physically (lack of sleep, illness, pain, or even hunger signal stress to the body.)
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And everything in between!
We are all experiencing some swirl of stress on a daily basis.
It is helpful, instead of thinking of stress as harmful and something we should try to eliminate and avoid, to have an understanding view of stress. It makes sense to have ultimate respect for the nervous system. We could not live a day without our nervous system’s intricate, adaptive responses. Our nervous system links brain and body in a myriad of different ways, sifts through our memories, predicts the response we may need, and initiates the physiological changes required²⁵. It does all this at a split second rate before we can consciously think through a situation and logically decide what to do.
The problem is that quite often, the perceived threat is not a tiger at our backs, but a deadline on our calendar. Or more specifically, the mental response to the calendar. In the modern world, the fight-or-flight response that sends energy to our limbs and lungs and away from our logical brain, is not often the shift that we need to handle the demands of life. More often than not, we need to be able to think clearly, to put things into words and communicate well, to pause and assess before impulsive action. We need to be able to let go of this morning’s conversation with our boss so we can sleep well tonight. We need to suppress road rage before it happens. And we need to not get stuck in chronic stress.
What is Nervous System regulation?
A regulated nervous system is dynamic; it activates appropriately when required, and settles down to recover. This is a cycle that takes care of itself in healthy organisms in life supporting environments.
Except when it doesn’t. Dysregulation happens, and we can get stuck in a jammed on stress state, pushing us into either hyper-arousal (fight/flight) or hypo-arousal (freeze).
The "Window of Tolerance," a concept developed by psychiatrist and author Dr. Dan Siegel, describes a state of ideal arousal where we can handle stress and emotions effectively. When you're in this window, you're able to think clearly, stay calm, and react to challenges without becoming overwhelmed. Polyvagal theory calls this state “ventral vagal”; author and celebrated life coach of Oprah calls it “green light” state. It is often referred to as SAFETY. Whatever words we use, the idea is that there is a sweet spot of healthy functioning.
When we say we’re “stressed”, we mean we are out of sorts, incapable of coping well or managing what’s coming at us (externally or internally!). In attempting to rebalance to homeostasis, the nervous system can even swing between feeling overly activated and feeling shut down.
What is dysregulation?
Signs your system might be struggling to roll with the punches and recover:
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Emotional Ups and Downs: Extreme mood swings or difficulty controlling emotions.
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Sleep Issues: Trouble falling or staying asleep.
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Impulsivity: Struggling to make decisions or resist impulsive behaviors.
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Physical Symptoms: Fatigue, aches & pains, or tension.
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Overreactivity: Feeling hyper-sensitive or overreacting to situations.
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Medical conditions: Physical and mental health challenges can push us towards sympathetic (fight/flight) or parasympathetic (freeze) dominance. These include but are not limited to: PTSD and C-PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, OCD, social anxiety, phobias, borderline personality disorder, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), chronic fatigue syndrome, depression, fibromyalgia, migraines, sleep disorders, chronic pain, & dissociative conditions.
Being stuck in fight-or-flight might feel like hypervigilance:
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Anxiety
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Racing thoughts
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Hypervigilance: overly aware of surroundings, easily distracted by minor sounds or movements.
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Restlessness
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Obsessive constant working
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Irritability
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Rapid heartbeat and shortness of breath
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Difficulty concentrating
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Hard to communicate well; rapid speaking
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Trouble sleeping or poor sleep quality (insomnia)
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Being easily startled
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Feeling on edge
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Physical symptoms like sweating, headaches, diarrhea, or nausea
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Changes in appetite or digestive issues
If fight-or-flight feels like your body has a jammed accelerator and can’t slow down, then freeze feels like an empty gas tank. In this state, it is hard to get started, both in your body and in your mind.
Signs you’re in freeze — you just can’t:
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Fatigue
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Low energy
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Overwhelm; Everything feels like too much and too hard
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Difficulty concentrating
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Brain Fog
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Feeling heavy, like moving in quicksand
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Feeling numb or disconnected
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Low mood or depression
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Sleepiness
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Decreased motivation
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Slower heart rate and breathing
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Dissociation, checking out
Scientists have known since the 1960s that it is possible to change our stress response².
The great news:
The autonomic nervous system is not just automatic — it’s adjustable.
Nervous system regulation means taking an active role in returning your system to baseline. We need to be able to respond to threats and challenges, and that’s what our nervous system handles for us, without a conscious thought.
At the same time, when we want to have some control over our stress response, that is possible too! That is what this list is all about.
Resetting your nervous system back to baseline of safety helps you:
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Think clearly and creatively
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Respond appropriately
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Make decisions rooted in clarity rather than reactive stress.
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Sleep well and recover from the demands of life
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Feel better
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Connect with others
Everything we want in life—
positive emotions, healthy relationships, creativity, and well-being—
depends on our ability to return to a parasympathetic state.
What are nervous system regulation techniques?
Nervous system regulation techniques are tools that give your vagus nerve cues of safety. This allows the autonomic nervous system to return to a parasympathetic “rest & digest” and socially engaged “tend & befriend” state of relaxed body and mind5.
We’re not just trying to stop, or override, the nervous system so we can feel better. We’re trying to truly understand how it works so we can be healthy and happy and live a good life of contribution to others.
What’s the difference, and this is boring, just give me the techniques!
It is really important to understand the paradox at play here: We may try to control the nervous system, but we can’t control the nervous system. The nervous system controls us.
And that is as it should be, because the nervous system's perceptions are below the level of conscious thought. The body often knows something that you don't, and we don't want to just override that and wave it away. No, we want to trust our body's signals, and investigate causes and solutions. We want to respect our spidey senses - you never know when they contain life saving valuable information.
And we must not expect to manage the nervous system just to feel better. Your anxiety is there for a reason. We want to have emotions appropriate to the situation. We are going to be scared when the forest fires are raging or when someone we love is seriously ill, or when people are at war. We are going to feel anxious if we don't know if we'll have enough money to pay for rent or groceries next month. But in any moment, from the mundane stressors to the emergencies, we can use regulation techniques as tools to lower our level of freakout, to stay as rational and collected as we can in order to be as helpful as we can.
Now you get it: we can't hack your way out of a survival response. And wouldn't want to.
But we can often nudge our way towards a more calm state right in the stressful moment. Understanding your nervous system and how to influence it can greatly expand our capacity to handle unavoidable stress. A regulated nervous system is resilient, firing up and cooling down regularly. Equilibrium can be returned to naturally by a healthy lifestyle with ample rest, social connection, healthy food, exercise, nature, and all the good stuff³⁶˒ ³⁷˒ ³⁸˒ ³⁹˒ ⁴⁰. In the meantime, there are some tricks and tools that are soothing and settling to the nervous system quickly and effectively in everyday life.
How to use this list?
Because stress can be so damaging to our health, mental/emotional wellbeing, and relationships, the focus here is on downregulating the nervous system. While there will certainly be times when we want to increase alertness and arousal (while driving! To stay awake and focus during a work meeting!), we often can pick ourselves up with caffeine and movement for a boost. Because a chronic low level stressed state is so insidious, we don’t always know that we need to calm down or how to do it.
These practices have been shown to reset and regulate the nervous system towards a more relaxed, parasympathetic state. This is a list of my favorites, that I’ve been collecting for years, and I'm sure there are countless others.
Here is a starter list, grouped by type.
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Many of these can be done discreetly on the go while in public.
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Play around with whatever ideas spark your curiosity.
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Try techniques when you are in different nervous system states and different environmental settings
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Experiment on yourself! While these techniques are science-based and shown to be biologically effective, our unique physiology responds differently. The only way to know what works reliably for you is to test it out, and —
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Practice. Repetition is the only way to
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Learn a new skill
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Be able to remember it
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Actually use it in a stressful moment.
While I have included sources and evidence-based techniques only, there is no scientific consensus on the efficacy of anything for everyone. The best way to know if a tool is useful or not is to study it for yourself, on yourself.
Try these out for yourself, and see what works for you!
Part Two: Try Nervous System Regulation Techniques
The Basics
Start here.
These lifestyle components are simply the metabolic NEEDS of a healthy human.
If you take care of the first two here, your nervous system regulates itself. While sometimes the basics are not easy or available, they are the first pin to aim for. There is little good in doing breathing exercises and eye tricks if you’re starving and exhausted. However, it could definitely be useful to do breathing exercises and eye tricks while you are waiting in line at the grocery store, hungry and tired after a long day at work with a grumpy toddler, to steady and strengthen yourself until you can get fed and rested.
The Basics:
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Sleep & Rest³⁶
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Nutritious Food & Hydration³⁸˒ ³⁹
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Connection³⁷
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Movement⁴⁰
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Nature & Natural Light³⁵˒⁹²
Breathing
"Breath is our most efficient nervous system regulator." - Stephen Porges Neuroscientist, Researcher/Developer of Polyvagal Theory, Author, Father
Breathing is a powerful modulator of physiological state⁴¹˒ ⁴². We instinctively know this. The universal response to relaxation and relief is a spontaneous sigh. And the truth is that almost any conscious attention applied to the breath, even just following your breath and watching it in and out for as little as 5 minutes has a regulating effect on the nervous system⁶.
It is helpful to know that in general, exhalation is associated with the parasympathetic and inhalation with the sympathetic. Imagine jumping into freezing water or hearing shocking news — we gasp in air or hold our breath in. Long slow exhalation is a release that naturally happens when we sigh; when we are relieved about something, relaxing, or calm. That is why we practice sighing, and the "letting go" style of breathing.
Usually, the diaphragm handles breathing automatically by the respiratory center at the base of the brain. But we can consciously control the diaphragm, which makes it a great access point for influencing the nervous system.
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Breathe through your nose¹¹. Nasal breathing is imperative for proper Oxygen/CO2 balance AND stress hormone regulation. I love the reminder phrase “your mouth is for eating, your nose is for breathing”. When my kids are in an exaggerated freak-out state, wailing and mouth breathing, I often gently ask them to please close their mouth and breathe through their nose (while we look for their missing important object, get a bandaid, or take whatever repairing action is appropriate).
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The Physiological Sigh¹²˒ ⁴⁵. Two quick inhalations followed by a sigh. Have you ever noticed this spontaneous mechanicsm in yourself or a little kid after crying while calming down? Youtube: how to do the physiological sigh
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Conscious Breathing³˒ ⁴¹˒ ⁴²˒ ⁴⁴˒ ⁴⁶ marked by —
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Longer exhalation⁴⁸
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Slower⁴⁶˒⁴¹
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Belly breathing: gentle movement instead of gripping in your diaphragm.
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Letting Go Breathing⁴⁶ - my free audio recording for practicing a sense of sighing and release to fully complete the exhale.
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Sleep breathing - my free audio recording for practicing breathing the way our body naturally breathes in sleep (this is also labor breathing for deep rest between contractions)
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Resonance Breathing44: Slow, diaphragmatic breathing of ~6 breaths/minute increases vagal tone and heart rate variability (HRV), signaling safety with positive effect on heart rate variability and increased parasympathetic (rest and digest) activity when practiced regularly. Breathe in for a count of 4, out for a count of 6. (You can change this rhythm or pace as it feels right, keeping the exhale a bit longer). Youtube: Resonance Breathing
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Alternate Nostril Breathing¹⁴˒ ⁴⁷[ANB] (Youtube: how to do alternate nostril breathing)
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Box Breathing⁴⁵: or ‘tactical breathing’, known for its use in the military for stress regulation and performance enhancement. Count with your breathing. Count while you breathe In for 1 - 2 - 3 - 4, Hold for 1 - 2 - 3 - 4, Out for 1 - 2 - 3 - 4, Hold for 1 - 2 - 3 - 4. Youtube: Box Breathing
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Breathing with a verbal cue or mantra43 - examples:
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Breathe in- “Smell the roses”, Breathe out- “blow out the candles”
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“Breathing in, I know I’m breathing in, Breathing out, I know I am breathing out.”
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“In, Out”,
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“Breathing in, I calm, Breathing out I smile” (thank you Thich Nhat Hahn)
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Vision
“The eyes are not just connected to the brain; they are part of the brain.”
~Dr. Andrew Huberman
We are primarily visual animals, and get the majority of sensory information that way. For example, therapies such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) use guided eye movements as a pathway for regulating the nervous system and reducing trauma-related stress¹¹. On a practical level, as we deliberately look all around, side to side, and near and far, we orient ourselves to our surroundings, which can re-establish a sense of safety in our nervous system. "Tunnel vision" is a common symptom of an activated (stressed) nervous system, and many of the visual techniques are initiating the opposite — widening our focus to literally SEE that we are safe¹².
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Looking Around, aka Visual orienting¹² sometimes referred to as visual ‘grounding’ - intentionally shifting your gaze and moving your eyes and neck around to look at the whole environment. Really look, and see what you are seeing. See and let your eyes trace the seams of the room along joints of wall and ceiling, or the perimeter of your environment whatever it may be.
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Softening of your focus visually aka Panoramic Vision²⁶
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See colors: Take note of all the red objects at once, all the blue objects, etc.
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Look out the window. Or go outside) Let your eyes focus at the farthest thing you can see in the distance. Then soften your gaze to take in the whole scene at once.
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Peripheral Vision
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Lateral eye movements, “eye yoga”
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The vagus nerve 'Basic Exercise" ¹⁸, my audio how to here. This is a lateral vision exercise. Hold your eyes to each side as far as they can go until you sigh, spontaneously inhale, or yawn. Youtube short vagus nerve basic exercise instructions
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Counting and naming¹⁶, i.e. find and describe 5 things that I can see.
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Vergence¹³ - Alternating visual focus between near and far. Use a finger or object ~ 6 -12 inches away from your eyes. Focus on this, then look through the finger to a distant point across the room or out the window. Focus on each for 4-5 seconds, and repeat for 3-5 minutes (or less for a quick reset). Youtube Vergence Instructions
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Beauty - Notice and focus on beauty. Admire and smell the flowers. Find pictures in the clouds. Watch the leaves swaying in the wind. Gaze at a piece of art. This switches your brain from the stress-and-task-oriented networks to those associated with pleasure, introspection, and emotional calm¹⁷
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Nature¹⁹˒ ⁹². Seeing a plant, tree, or view, even if it's just a small fake plant or scenic painting on the wall.
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Water²⁰ There is a substantial amount of scientific literature on the calming effects of looking at water. Researchers use the term "blue spaces" to refer to these environments, which include oceans, lakes, rivers, and even man-made fountains.
Sound & Voice
Our nervous systems and vagus nerves register sound as the next biggest sense to vision. A sudden loud noise or an angry tone from your partner can instantly elicit a fight-or-flight response. This makes sense since evolutionarily, we need to hear the tiniest rustle of grass moving as a predator stalks us. We would need to be alert to the nuance in tone of voices of our tribe members, as we needed a tribe to stay alive.
In addition, when we use our voice, we are exhaling. Talking generally amps us up because there is a lot of quick breathing, often through the mouth, in between speaking. But when we sing, in contrast, we need to use our diaphragm and prolong the exhale. Singing and humming are breathing exercises in and of themselves, with the added benefit of soothing sound.
It has been shown that pleasant sounds, including music, nature, and soothing voices are one of the fastest and most reliable ways to return to a calm baseline nervous system state21.
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Music. Anything that sounds good to your personal preferences, particularly slower tempo (60-80 bpm), with pleasant harmonies and predictability²²
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Singing²⁹˒⁵⁷, especially in a group
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Listening to a soft, slow, melodic voice²¹
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Nature sounds²¹, particularly running water
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Bilateral audio stimulation²³ - bilateral music or sound recordings
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Sighing¹⁰ with your voice making sound - "ahhhh"
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Humming²⁴
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Yoga style ujjayi breathing²⁷, sometimes called ‘ocean’ breathing. Making a white noise sound with both in and out breath by slightly restricting the space in the back of your throat (with closed mouth).
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“Voo” sound²⁸. Make a deep rumbling vibration with your voice and feeling the vibrations in your chest. Like many other techniques, this stimulation of the vagus nerve can have a balancing effect of being both soothing AND energizing and to the nervous system, especially good for when you are feeling a “freeze” state with symptoms of lethargy and shutdown. Youtube: How to do a Voo sound
Movement & Touch
“Touch can turn off the stress switch.”
~Dacher Keltner, Researcher & Author
“To touch can be to give life” ~Michelangelo
Movement and physical contact are excellent ways to calm yourself. As with the other technique groups, it is useful to imagine the opposite. Imagine being on a plane with heavy turbulence — the movement is erratic, out of control, and signifies impending doom — we spontaneously grip the seats and hold our breath with fear. Other obvious examples of stressful bodily sensation: being physically slapped or hit, being in a crowded space, being forced to work long hours beyond physical capacity, or being confined to sit still. Believe it or not, we often induce these types of stress on ourselves with long commutes and work hours, or crowded environments.
Exercise isn’t just good for your muscles. It’s good for your brain and soul too. This is in part because constant movement is our natural state. This too makes sense from an evolutionary perspective, as we would have had to constantly hunt/gather/farm to survive. Our modern lifestyles impose too much sedentary inactivity, along with too little attentive stillness.
We can remedy this by regularly taking mini movement breaks throughout the day (every bathroom break is an opportunity for a quick stretch!), regular exercise, and daily walking⁶⁸.
Just as you will rock your new baby to sleep, rub your child’s back to calm them down, or squeeze your teenager’s shoulders to comfort them, we can do these things for ourselves and ask for them from others.
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Shaking³³
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Tremoring³⁰˒
³¹ Youtube: What is TRE tremoring and How to do TRE -
Rocking. Sway gently, rhythmically, side to side or forward/back, whatever feels soothing. This can be effective even as a very small subtle movement.
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Somatic Grounding⁸⁴. Press your feet firmly into the ground. Press your hands firmly into the ground if you are sitting on the floor.
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Somatic Grounding with movement. Bounce gently up and down on your toes so that your heels make contact with the ground in a rhythmic way. You can do this as a light jiggle or a firm pounding when you hit the ground depending on your preference and state. Repeat for a few seconds or minute.
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Shoulder squeeze¹⁸, along the top of your shoulders close to the neck where stress is often felt. This is a vagus nerve access area. You can squeeze your own shoulders, but even better is to ask someone you love to squeeze them for you.
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Shoulder release (“Shoulder Exhale” my audio recording for how to).
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Laying down³⁶ Stopping and resting, getting horizontal even for a moment.
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Bilateral stimulation - either from an audio source like bilateral music, or stimulating alternate sides of your body through touch or movement (i.e. EFT tapping⁷⁴or walking)
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Massage⁶¹˒ ⁶²
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Stroking your own arms, legs, face
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Squeezing your own arms and torso⁵². This can be very subtle by just squeezing your upper and lower arms with your opposite arm. Next level is a mini self hug, or a bigger self hug if done firmly with your back to a wall. (similar to pressure by a hug, squeeze chute calming effect as made famous by Temple Grandin or pressure vests for pets during thunderstorms.)
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Pressure⁶⁷ - weighted blankets or a hug
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Walking⁶⁸
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Yoga⁶⁵˒ ⁶⁶
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Dancing³²˒ ⁶³˒ ⁶⁴or other enjoyable just for fun movement
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Stretching⁶⁵
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Exercise³⁴˒⁶⁹
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Orgasm⁸⁵
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Warmth. A blanket, heating pad
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Water- shower or bath²⁰.
Face
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Chewing food slowly and thoroughly. Chewing gum⁸⁸. Has an autonomic nervous system modulating effect. Can be stimulating (may be useful to chew gum to stay awake when driving!)
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Gargling This is said to stimulate the vagus nerve. Since there is no conclusive research, give it a try for yourself.
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Slowly sipping a hot beverage, like tea
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Comforting food & drink⁸⁹˒ ⁹⁰ (use with caution. Stress triggers food-seeking behaviors, which can lead to overeating or food addictions. Know yourself, and know if you are able to turn to food/alcohol in moderation and with mindfulness. Or go for my favorite comfort food: soup!)
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Pleasant smells, aromatherapy, essential oils⁸⁷. Lavender essential oil in particular has been clinically shown to reduces stress and anxiety⁸⁶.
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Jaw release⁹¹. (We hold a lot of tension unconsciously in our jaws. Focus on and purposefully release those muscles as much as possible, and let your jaw hang down, mouth can be open or closed. Wiggle and rub your jaw, and open your mouth wide to stretch the jaw.)
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Blowing raspberries. Science is limited on this, but many people spontaneously do it. Vibrating sensation with sound may be effective as a playful interruption of tension or stressful patterns.
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Splashing your face with cold water⁷⁰ (initially feels like a shock, but then reduces anxiety or heightened fear-related emotions)
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Slight Smile⁵⁸˒⁹
Consciousness
"The quality of our lives is determined by the focus of our attention"
~Cheri Huber, Author and Zen teacher
"The quality of your life depends quite a bit on
the quality of attention you project out onto the world".
~ David Brooks: In his book How to Know a Person
The thing about mindfulness is that it might as well be called “mindlessness”. Often it is turning down the volume and negativity of the mind that can reduce stress and suffering. It is only when we can learn to observe our mind’s doings that we can not be ruled by what it puts out. All mindfulness techniques point back to the essential truth that we have more control over our experience by how we use our attention than we usually realize.
Two recurring classic mindfulness and wisdom tradition themes are the following meta skills that we are not born with and need to practice:
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The ability to not really believe automatic stressful thoughts
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The ability to look outside ourselves at others and the world
Regulation (whether nervous system, mental/emotional, or behavioral) requires attention. Nervous system regulation is all about how we give attention to, attend to, attune to, ourselves and others.
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Meditation⁷⁶˒ ⁷⁷˒ ⁷⁸˒ ⁷⁹
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Sensing and body scan type meditations
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Observer type meditation: watching what arises without judging or changing.
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Yoga Nidra⁷⁷ and “Non-Sleep Deep Rest” type meditations
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Classic Mindfulness⁷⁶: conscious attention to thoughts, feelings, sensations as the observer of them
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Self compassion⁷¹˒ ⁷². How to: Kristin Neff’s self compassion break
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Attention Shifting - attention on your physical bodily sensations, moving attention around to different body parts, emotional sensations or nuance, or other deliberate focus change. (a few examples - tuning in to your feet, hands, bottom making contact to your seat, heartbeat, or belly movement as you breathe.)
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Perspective⁷³: Unidentifying from stressful thoughts. Shifting attitude.
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Gratitude⁷⁵. Reframing, journaling, communicating appreciation to others (in person, by text, or by writing them a letter), in-the-moment savoring, & mindful noticing.
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Letting in the good⁹⁴ to counteract the human negativity bias. This is an intentional practice of regularly noticing, naming, and feeling when all is well.
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Creativity⁶³- art (drawing and painting but not limited to fine art, also doodling or coloring), music, crafting, cooking, creative acts of any kind.
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Visualization⁹⁶ Using imaginative imagery to create figurative totems of strength or support (examples: imagining armor or a bubble of light around yourself, imagining a line of light or roots connecting your body down into the earth.) Also used to amplify learning or sports/fitness training results⁹⁵.
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Faith. Prayer, religious beliefs, faith community, and sacred texts. You will know if these feel safe and grounding for you or not.
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Asking yourself questions. This can turn off the fear pathways in your brain and switch you over to logic, reasoning, and creativity⁹⁷.
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Journaling⁹⁸ Reflection, prompts, problem solving, brain dumps, gratitude, autobiography, life planning, bullet journalling, etc. Many health benefits of journaling have been shown across diverse types of journaling.
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Awe Practices. Reflecting on or communing with something vast (stars, nature, art). Can create a jolt of “wakefulness” in the nervous system while still keeping it regulated⁹⁹.
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Task Immersion. Full engagement in what you are doing, whether it is a project for work or personal, turns off the “default mode network” [DMN] in your brain and switch you into the “task positive network” [TPN], in effect lowering stressful self-focused rumination¹⁰⁰.
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Meaningful Engagement - The psychology & neuroscience of “Flow” and “Passion” show us that it is not just bubble baths and more rest that we need to enjoy a life worth living. Especially when we are feeling low energy and in a turned off, under-regulated state, we often need to spark energy by engaging in something that lights up our passion, or at least curiosity¹⁰¹.
Connection
"Before we regulate, we co-regulate" ~Stephen Porges, Neuroscientist, Author
We're not safe without a tribe. Period.
Our brains know it, and our nervous systems know it. That is why fear of public speaking (read: fear of public humiliation) is often perceived as a mortal threat.
We are biologically incapable of feeling safe truly alone. Tom Hanks needed Wilson to survive being stranded on his island.
Of course that doesn't mean we can't thrive while living alone, and even require solitude for our wellbeing. But there is a difference between living alone and being isolated.
To give your nervous system cues of safety, reach for supportive social connection.
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Eye contact with someone we feel safe with⁴⁹˒ ⁵⁰˒ ⁵¹.
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Hugs⁵²
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Soothing Tone of Voice²¹˒ ⁵⁶
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Kindness⁵⁵˒⁷¹ and compassion, expressed to or from others. Random or anonymous acts of kindness, helping a friend.
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Play⁵⁴. Any activity done purely for it’s own sake, for fun, especially with others.
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Smile⁵⁸: at others, or just to yourself. Even just a slight upward turn of the corners of your mouth9.
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Laughter⁵³
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Therapy. Not limited to talking it out, which has potential to help us feel safer and connected. Also including mind-body therapies such as EMDR¹¹˒, art therapy⁶³, and Somatic Experiencing⁸⁴.
Nature
We evolved as a species deeply intertwined with nature, so it is no wonder that contact with nature regulates us¹⁵˒⁵⁹˒⁹². Our current modern way of living keeps us comfortable, warm, and dry, but it also keeps us in captivity so to speak.
Just as I was writing this section, I went for a walk with my daughter in the woods. I almost stepped on a snake, and was still dealing with the pounding heart and jitters, when my daughter got stung by a wasp. For obvious reasons, nature is not always calming to the nervous system. For most of human existence, nature itself contained the threat. And still does. However, peaceful nature has a profound effect on our biology.
Even brief touches with nature in the midst of your day can help keep your nervous system well. Studies have shown that spending 20 to 30 minutes walking or sitting in an outdoor setting that feels natural significantly lowered stress hormone (cortisol) levels, with the biggest drops in cortisol occurring after 20 minutes. Shorter time around nature also helps, but the benefit ramps up until around 20 min.
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Sunlight³⁵, especially in the morning.
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Looking out a window at the sky, trees, grass, etc.
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Grounding aka Earthing⁸²˒ ⁸³˒ ¹⁵ Physically touching the ground with your bare feet has been shown to reduce pain, improve sleep, and shift the autonomic nervous system from sympathetic dominance toward more parasympathetic activity. Minimum effective dose seems to be around 20 minutes⁸³
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Houseplants
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Petting or playing with a pet⁹³
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Walking outside⁶⁸
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Images of nature - even framed or on a screen
Step Three: Keep Practicing
Narrow it down
This is a long list of techniques. You do not need to do all of them to regulate your nervous system! Picking a few that you like and getting really good at them is preferable to trying to memorize the whole list or shuffle between 10 different techniques.
Idea: pick one from each category and try them out for a full month. Journal to record your findings.
Play
Go at this with a spirit of curiosity. You can’t muscle your way there. Ultimately, we have to respect our nervous system as it runs the show in our own body. We are becoming a dance partner of sorts by learning our nervous system’s patterns and signals, and gently swaying the dial back down to a more optimally functional, relaxed state. Getting stressed about our inability to lower our stress is counter productive. This is about experimentation, disrupting patterns, and trying something new. Let’s relax about relaxing!
Give Yourself the Basics to be Regulated
There are two halves to this tip:
The first is the lifestyle piece. This is the broad understanding that the nervous system regulates on its own when you live and work in a rhythm that provides for the big 5: sleep, nourishing food/hydration, movement, connection, and nature. The nervous system takes care of itself when you take care of the basics.
The second half is the giving to yourself part. Self care is a practice in and of itself, and something that modern women are notoriously bad at. There is never enough time and energy to do all the things for everyone else. We are spread thin, and given an hour of extra time, the majority of women would spend that time working to provide for their families. Research shows that mothers now work approximately 300 more hours per year than their predecessors, largely due to a heavier load of unpaid domestic labor34. Women also have significantly less leisure time than men, both at home and in the workplace. Let’s face it: our time is already fully spent on caring for others. This does not mean that we need to funnel large chunks of time into self-care and leisure to be OK. Instead, we need to take back the micro-moments, the transitions, the in between times, the bookends of the day. These fragments can be stitched together like a patchwork quilt with an attitude of self compassion and dare I say self love. Only you can give yourself the gift of breathing/movement/nature or other mind-body tools. When self regulating becomes second nature, you know you are actively loving yourself.
Practice Makes (Perfect) Possible
Martha Beck, teacher, author, and renowned life coach of Oprah, shares that her martial arts instructor liked to say: not practice makes perfect, but “practice makes permanent”. I like to say - practice makes possible. Without consistent frequent practice over time, there is no way that you will remember that a technique exists, or how to do it, let alone be able to use it in a heated moment.
Just Breathe.
When we’re super stressed, we have trouble thinking clearly. This is not just a feeling, but science. Research shows that when the nervous system is activated, stress hormones (like cortisol and catecholamines) impair prefrontal cortex function, shifting control toward more reactive brain regions (like the amygdala)⁷.
Can’t remember what to do? Just breathe.
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Cheat code: sigh. Exhaling vigorously blows away the stress⁴⁵ (pun intended!).
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Have 5 minutes? Use an app⁷⁹ or video for breathing practice. It almost doesn’t matter which one, just that you consistently and repeatedly practice breathing on purpose.
Rule of Repetition: Practice Often & Ongoing
Studies show that practicing for a minimum of six sessions over at least a week (think: DAILY) was significantly associated with effectiveness of breathing practices for stress reduction⁶.
This suggests that breathing practices are more likely to confer stress-reducing benefits when performed regularly, and over time. As with many behaviors, consistent practice is often key to effective skill learning and adaptation.
This means we want to hold off on making a snap judgement on whether or not a technique “works” after trying it once. We need to try it just about every day for about a month, and then evaluate.
Commit to Practice
There is a lifetime of practices here. You may get tired of one technique after a few months or years and want to switch it up. The point is to have a bag of tricks to call upon when you need them.
Life is demanding. Life as a parent is even more demanding. Do yourself and your family a favor and commit to keep practicing.
With time and life experience, you will be able to befriend your nervous system so you always know your way back home: a regulated nervous system.
Sources
2 Wikipedia: Herbert Benson’s Research on the Relaxation Response
5 Frontiers in Integrative Neuroscience: Polyvagal Theory: A Science of Safety by Stephen W Porges 1
8 Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art, by James Nestor
9 Better Health News / Half-smile Benefits to Reduce Emotional Distress
10 Stanford Medicine: 'Cyclic sighing' can help breathe away anxiety by Hadley Leggett
12 The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk
13 Vergence eye movements (alternating focus between near and far objects) are part of the accommodation-convergence reflex [wikipedia link], which is governed by the parasympathetic nervous system. This reflex integrates pupil constriction, lens adjustment, and eye alignment, helping the body shift toward a relaxed, “rest-and-digest” state.
15 Open Journal of Neurology & Neuroscience: Neurological Pathways Supported by Grounding
25 The research of Lisa Feldman Barrett
26 Dr. Andrew Huberman Lab Panoramic Vision and Stress Response.
28 In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness by Peter A. Levine PhD
29 Physiopedia: Singing and Health
33 Healthline: Can Shaking your body help heal stress
35 Huberman Lab:Using Light for Health
36 Rest: 7 Types of Rest to Eliminate Burnout, Reduce Stress, and Overcome Anxiety by Allison Hay
39 Zavitsanou, A., and A. Drigas. 2021. “Nutrition in Mental and Physical Health.” Technium Social Sciences Journal, September. https://doi.org/10.47577/tssj.v23i1.4126.
43 Hanh, T. N. 2013. “The Mindfulness Survival Kit: Five Essential Practices.”
85 Very Well Mind: What Happens in Your Brain During Orgasm? The science behind all those good feelings
94 Hanson, Rick. 2016. Hardwiring Happiness.
95 Science-Based Mental Training & Visualization for Improved Learning | Huberman Lab Podcast
97 Beck, Martha. 2025. Beyond Anxiety: Curiosity, Creativity, and Finding Your Life’s Purpose. Penguin.
98 Great Good Science Center: Hands On Research: The Science of Touch
101 Vallerand, Robert J. 2008. “On the Psychology of Passion: In Search of What Makes People’s Lives Most Worth Living.” Psychologie Canadienne [Canadian Psychology] 49 (1): 1–13.
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