Week 20: Pace 

On safety and slowing down.

 

Time is such a funny thing. it goes so fast, or so slow. It pushes us forward, and drags us back. 

 

An interesting reflection to experiment with this week is with our relationship with time. Specifically, with how we move through time and the effect that has on our psychology, your actions, and our nervous system.  

Everyone talks about presence. Such a powerful place to be, not hung up in the past or the future, totally focused on what is right in front of you. We are urged to parent with presence, communicate with presence, and make love with presence. 

 

A question I like to ask is - what is in the way?

The mind is in the way. Our minds are habitual meaning making machines whose job is to keep us safe, and efficiently. As social beings, that safety very much includes our achievements, status, and appearance. The mind stops us from “being present”, from experiencing presence in our bodies/relationships/environments/activities by constantly planning what we will do in the future and endlessly going over what happened in the past. For many of us, this leads to constant doing. And stressing. And there is nothing wrong with that - the mind is a wonderful amazing thing that we couldn't live without! The problem is with the compulsion. The problem is when it is such a huge part of our culture and life to go-faster-do-more-get-it-done. When that cultural imperative is internalized, we can’t stop, can’t slow down, can’t hit pause long enough to get still and “be present”. The truth is that this "being present", even though we were born masters of that ability, is a learned skillset for adults. It can be a huge challenge to practice presence in the pressures of our modern society where such things aren't valued or taught, in fact the opposite, they are trained out of us. While presence can and does still happen spontaneously (thankfully!), practice is required for adults to unlearn the habitual mind patterns of usually checking out of the present moment.

One fun way to do this is to realize when you are rushing. We all do it, we get swept up in the this-has-to-happen-first-so-this-can-happen-next and it turns into a kind of robotic grinding along from one to do to another. This mode of operating is incongruous with presence, and incongruous with parenting. Especially in the early baby and toddler years, it just doesn’t work that well. Not only does it not give us a sense of fulfillment or connection with others, but it is actually ineffective. There is no finishing of lists. There is no “done”. There is no achievement for which we will get praise or recognition or compensation. There is only now, only love, only the next cry for help or funny face or poopy diaper.

High achievers and successful career women often struggle intensely with the shift to mothering a newborn because of this dramatic switch from DOING to BEING. The skill set and mindset asked of us is just completely different. We know this, on some level, but what we don’t know is that it doesn’t usually just happen automatically when the baby pops out. It requires practice, and intention.

Practice & Journal: When am I rushing?
So, when you notice that you are rushing, first congratulate yourself for noticing. Woo hoo, awareness! That is the main point and the medicine. Try to just notice and observe, without judging or trying to change anything. Later, when you get the chance, consider sitting with your journal and writing about the following:

 

This week at various times, try to notice your pace and speed, and how that affects you. One way you could do this would be to check in during transitional times - trying to get out the door, before or after driving somewhere when you're still in the car, sitting down to eat before you take a bite, going to the bathroom, etc. These transitional moments are opportunities to play with mindful awareness. 

 

In addition, pay attention to your thoughts and emotional reaction to your pace and speed. Internal messages like "I need to rush or I'll never get all of this done!", "I can't slow down, or I'll fail and be screwed.", or "I'm so slow I"ll never get it done".  Remember to practice noticing with non-judgement. Finding these layers is in itself a huge step - it is awareness. Which is the salve and the goal. To assist you in learning to pay attention to your reactions instead of being caught up in them, try the Attention meditation I've recorded, where we practice moving attention around and strengthening the superpower of your attention.

 

Journal about what you find:

• When are you rushing? 

• When can you slow down?

• When do you feel present?

• How does it feel to PAUSE for a moment in the midst of rushing (literally STOP everything and close your eyes if you can, and feel the energy that is pushing/pulling you). 

• What is pushing you to speed up or get to the next thing?

• Can you go faster physically while remaining calm inside?

• When this next thing gets done, then what, what will that mean?

• If you could slow down without any negative consequences, would you? Could you?

• Is it hard to slow down?

• What is my mind saying when I am rushing?

• What does being pressured to speed up feel like? (Does it feel safe? Or scary?)

• Did rushing help me get xyz done faster?

• Did it help me to get it done better?

• Was there a different way that I could have done it?

• Does turning down the pace dial, even momentarily, make me feel more or less present?

• I will have a chance to slow down and be present when: ________.

• Next time I catch myself rushing, here is another option: _________.

 

Mindful moments of noticing, without judging or attempting to change anything can bring great insights. Take notes in your journal on what you find, on whichever of these prompts calls to you today. 

And have fun exploring!

 

“Go easy. You may have to push forward, but you don’t have to push so hard.

Go in gentleness, go in peace, do not be in so much of a hurry.

At no day, at no hour, no time are you required to do more than you can do in peace.” 

~Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go (Printable below)

 

Be well and be you,

Anna