_edited.jpg)
From MINDSET to MIND-BODY: Nervous System Care in pregnancy (& beyond)
- Anna Santini
- Aug 14
- 8 min read
Updated: Aug 22
Some years ago, I was over for dinner at my friend Nora’s house. She was pregnant with her third child, and I watched her and her husband recite her pregnancy affirmation before eating. They held hands and chanted “healthy, happy, strong!”. There was love and warmth and it was a super cute moment. However, seconds later, Nora’s face returned to the troubled eyes and slightly furrowed brow, as she rushed her two rambunctious young children to the table and dished up food for them. She was running on stress, and it showed in her pre-botox face. It was always a challenging day at work, and she was racing through her full life. Maybe she was healthy and strong enough, but she was not as connected and happy as she could have been if she had understood nervous system regulation. It was witnessing this disconnect between mindset and actual embodiment that led me to get educated on deeper mind/body wellness, both for myself and to help others.
I recently read “The Courage to be disliked” (subtitle - the Japanese Phenomenon that Shows you how to Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness). In this book, the wise elder makes the point to the young questioner that there are two mindsets he needs in life:
1. I can do it.
And
2. People are my comrades.
A modern interpretation of number 2 might be: I see others not as competitors or obstacles, but as allies on the shared journey of life.
The “thought work” of the experts, the self-help gurus, the coaches can be boiled down to some version of these two. Our thoughts do matter. They do create our reality.
Words Create Worlds.
How useful it would be to deeply believe that we are capable and can handle whatever comes our way. I can do it could take us to the stars, with courage. We could be the Little Engine that Could, and smile as we chug up our hills. We could let our inadequacies fall away, and be badass boss babes in whatever arena we choose. If we really believed that people are my allies, on a cellular level, we might not have such fear of public speaking, and we could tell the truth, ask for what we need, and live in harmony.
The wisdom in changing our mindset to change our lives is undeniable. Yes, please! Sign me up for clarity. Sign me up for intentionality. Sign me up for positivity.
And yet, there is more to the story. The iceberg below the surface in this case is our nervous system state.
We want to change our thoughts/attitudes/beliefs so that we can feel better and do better and live better. Super basic.
But what is driving your thoughts/ attitudes/ beliefs? History, of course. Our conditioned way of being. Our body and mind have adapted to keeping us safe and alive on this planet in the only ways that were available to us at the time. Patterns have formed. There are strong, deep rooted patterns of how we interact with others and ourselves. Is this just the way we are now, or can they be changed?
Reframing our experience through words is a cognitive path to wellness. We mentally process with others and with our journal. Therapy is a useful tool. We have to check our assumptions, catastrophic thinking, and negativity bias. Humans are meaning-making machines. Our brains take everything that has happened to us and predict what is coming next, by weaving stories and feelings (1).
Can we adopt our own version of “I can handle this” or “I see people as allies” or "all is well" or "I'm learning as I go" as mantras? Will planting these verbal seeds of courage and belonging in our subconscious through repetition or writing or tapping or hypnosis change how we show up?
Perhaps. It is certainly worth a try.
I teach intentionality, and I have found that the most useful self talk message are those that cause us to take a deeper breath. The words that speak to our gut and our soul have a true mind-body effect.
And there is another angle. Our physical nervous systems govern every breath, heartbeat, and yes, every thought too (2). Fight or flight fires up subconsciously. The vagus nerves operate at their own level of intelligence to give us safety and connection with others, or not (3). Research has shown us that bottom-up regulation is essential before belief or mindset shift work (4). Think about all the times you went to bed filled with dread or worry and in the light of the morning, everything looked different. That’s the power of nervous system reset.
A Different Way
My friend Nora did talk to her therapist about what was causing her worry and tension in her life. She sifted through her early work schedule, her anxiety around her dad’s failing health, and the pressures she felt to give her children enough. Talk therapy provided her relief following those sessions. She felt heard and supported, and worked on a strategy to shift her massive fear around losing her dad before her baby was born to enjoying her moments with him as much as possible.
Her therapist was not a practitioner who focused on embodiment (getting out of your head into sensory experience), somatics (stored sensations), EMDR (painful memory healing using eye movement), or any other of the countless mind-body therapeutic options out there.
Mind-body approach means we recognize that everything is connected. Just as our thoughts affect our emotions and our actions, so does our physiology affect our stories and state. An obvious and simple example is when you stub your toe, and a little voice in your head goes “god I’m such an idiot” and then you limp around feeling angry for the next 5 minutes. We are whole beings. We cannot think ourselves out of a stressed state. We can not outrun a racing heart by wishing it away. We do all this thinking and ruminating and talking to get relief, when a body-first approach might often be the ticket.
I’m not saying to only focus on the physical and forget about mindset. We need both. Just as we need to breathe and we need water. We need words of affirmation and we need affection. As with most things, it is BOTH/ AND. We are whole beings with nervous systems that register the whole picture. Mentally stating a powerful phrase like “I got this” can be just the thing to induce a full breath and wise action. Soothing words calm your nervous system AND physical interventions cause your brain to think more calm thoughts. It is bidirectional.
Work on changing your nervous system state as diligently as you work on anything else. This could be the first domino that will nudge the mindset in the direction of growth and positivity. Nervous system regulation could be the shortcut to a life of greater love and joy. If you are not always running towards comfort (relief, feeling better), who would you be? What would you create? How would you show up?
Where to Start
My friend Nora could have learned how to take one or a few calming breaths in the heat of the moment. She could have practiced relaxing her face into a soft smile, yoga style, amid the hectic day-to-day bustle. She could have created an end of day routine to release tension through movement, by shaking or dancing for a couple minutes. Nora could have worked on speaking to herself with self-compassion instead of listening to the endless chatter of criticism in her psyche. She could have used tricks like eye exercises and humming for vagus nerve toning. I wish that I had known then what I know now, and had the ability to give her a gift of another way.
The good news is that you can nudge your nervous system in the direction of safety, anywhere, anytime, for free. It just takes some skills and practice.
Here are 2 ways to start practicing mind-body self regulation.
Learn to Use Breathing
"Breath is our most efficient nervous system regulator." - Stephen Porges Neuroscientist, Developer of Polyvagal Theory, Author, Father
Breath is a powerful modulator of state. The universal human response of relief is a spontaneous sigh. Science has confirmed what we instinctively know. And the truth is that almost any conscious attention applied to the breath, even just following your breath and watching it in and out will be regulating to the nervous system.
Cheat Code: Sigh
One breath in.
One long sigh.
Yes, that kind of breath resets your system. Science backs it (5).
Want more?
There are countless breathwork techniques out there.
It is helpful to know that inhalation is associated with the sympathetic system (increases heart rate), and exhalation is associated with the parasympathetic (slows heart rate). Rapid breathing is for when we are stressed and need to fight or run and get more oxygen. Choosing a breathing pattern that has a longer exhale than inhale can enhance vagal tone, slow heart rate, and deepen relaxation; it is a way to reliably nudge the nervous system back to a state of safety.
Conscious breathing can be done when driving, when in a stressful situation, for 5 minutes upon waking or before going to bed. It is up to you to weave breathwork into your day in a way that you will consistently remember and be able to apply.
Here are a couple breathing rhythms to try:
Resonance Breathing: Slow, diaphragmatic breathing of ~6 breaths/minute increases vagal tone and heart rate variability (HRV), signaling safety. Breathe in expanding your low belly for a count of 4, out for a count of 6. (You can change this rhythm or pace as it feels right, keeping the exhale a bit longer). Youtube: Resonance Breathing
Box Breathing: Count with your breathing. Count while you breathe In for 1 - 2 - 3 - 4, Hold for 1 - 2 - 3 - 4, Out for 1 - 2 - 3 - 4, Hold for 1 - 2 - 3 - 4. Youtube: Box Breathing
Increase Your Awareness
Awareness is taught as the first step in nervous system regulation training (6). Nervous system responses happen even if we don’t realize that our brain has detected danger or threat. By paying attention to your bodily sensations and responses, you can recognize when your nervous system is activated and what your patterns are. I often say that “awareness is the salve and the goal”. The reason for this is that the act of noticing, naming, and understanding what state we are in brings acceptance. We’re not fighting our body/mind state, we’re curious observers of it. That shift changes everything.
Journal Ideas:
What was a time today when I felt my nervous system “heating up”?
What was the trigger (environment, events, and my own thoughts)?
Did I feel the impulses of fight, flight, or freeze?
What physical sensations did I notice?
What emotion word would I use to describe my thoughts/feelings/nervous system state swirl at that time? [The work of Brene Brown and Lisa Feldman Barrett articulate why those who are able to use a greater emotional vocabulary in an attempt to describe human experience have stronger relationships, better health, and more self regulation].
What was a time today when I felt my nervous system “cooling down”, or relaxing?
Was there a spontaneous deeper breath, sigh, or yawn? What physical sensations accompanied the shift?
Are there any personal rituals or tricks that I already use to slow down and let go of tension? How could I expand on these and use them more frequently, intentionally, or strategically to chill out when I need to?
After practicing reflecting on remembered stress responses, the eventual goal is to become able to notice and name what is happening in the moment. Not for the purpose of stopping it entirely, but for peace about it. Awareness will naturally grow your ability to control yourself, curb unhelpful automatic reactions, and open up ways to settle down before making decisions or acting rashly. Awareness is the first step to being able to choose nervous system regulation right in the heat of the stressful moments of everyday life.
And when we are regulated, a positive mindset effortlessly flows from our safe nervous system state.
To your courage, belonging, and joy,
Anna
