4 Genius Comebacks for Unwanted Advice in Pregnancy

If  When someone starts giving you unwanted advice, there are ways to nip it in the bud. Maybe it’s your best friend, and you want to sensitively and kindly redirect. Maybe it’s your mother in law and you need to set a firmer boundary. Maybe it’s some random  stranger on the street (why does a pregnant belly invite commentary and attention?), in which case you may want to just shut it down and move on. Are you tired of hearing “you should…” yet?

Free yourself with calm clear communication. 

A basic formula for this is to gently interrupt with some version of the following: 

1. Affirm them neutrally

2. Stay deliberately vague

3. If it’s a friend - Redirect 

4. If it’s not a friend - Leave

1 - Affirm with neutrality

Jefferson Fisher, court lawyer turned communications coach and author teaches to “let your first word be your breath”. The last thing you want to do is respond with rudeness or a fast fiery retort. This will merely increase tensions and upset everyone. Take a brief moment to compose yourself as you’re picking your words. Slow down your speech and calm down your mind and body with a full inhale and a long slow release. 

Words can’t hurt you. No one’s opinion needs to be absorbed or taken on by you. A wise older La Leche League leader and friend of mine used to tell me, “I just pretend I’m a sieve. Whatever they say, just flows right through.”

After setting a calm tone with your breath, move on to validation. When you acknowledge that you hear someone, it feels better psychologically than a rejection or a contradiction. 

“Thank you” 

“I agree that’s an issue.”

“I appreciate your concern.”

2 - Stay deliberately vague

Neutrality removes fuel from the conversation, making it less compelling to continue. 

I love step two. It puts me back in touch with my rebellious teenager side. 

You don’t have to explain why what they’re saying overwhelms you. You don’t have to share your feelings, or what your therapist told you, or why hearing about their traumatic birth is not helpful. You don’t need to share what’s your business or your rationale. Most people will not truly listen anyway. 

Vagueness is evasion, sure, but if you do it intentionally, it can be brilliantly effective. 

“I’m not sure.”

“I will give that some thought.”

“You know, I don’t know”. 

“Yeah we’ll see.” 

"Maybe so." (another Jefferson Fisher disarming phrase).

3 - Redirect

Then we have a choice. If it’s someone you trust and care about, try redirecting the conversation. 

One great way to do this is to ask them for advice you genuinely want. People love to give advice. It makes them feel valued and heard. Have some topics in mind that you would actually love to hear about. 

“What are the best ways you found to get your baby to sleep?”“When did you start giving your baby food?”

Or better yet, challenge them down memory lane - 

“What is something about the baby years that you’ll always remember?”

“What is something you wish you did differently in the first year?”

Or you can toss the conversation ball back to them. Conversation experts such as Vanessa Van Edwards in Captivate and Charles Duhigg in Supercommunicators show that the best connections come when we go deeper. Bring up the things that light people up and make them come alive in the telling.

“How is that project coming along?”“Hey, how is your husband managing the travel with his new job?”“Do you have any upcoming trips planned?”

4 - Leave

If it’s not a friend, you may not want to toss the conversation ball back to them. You can simply walk away. 

You have permission right now.

Smile and nod and walk away is a complete boundary setting operation. 

If it’s a coworker or acquaintance that you will see again, maybe choose something more respectful. 

My favorite - excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. This is not a copout. It’s a valid strategy.

And probably a true need anyway.

Redirect back to work or the task at hand to divert attention away. 

Recap

Putting this all together, shutting down a birth horror story without offending an acquaintance might sound something like this: 

“Can I pause you for a second? Thank you for sharing. Excuse me, my bladder is about to explode!” (walk away). 

A response to unwanted advice on what you absolutely must do or never do from a friend could go like this:

“Yeah, I see what you’re saying. We’ll be sure to think about that. Hey, do you have any good book recommendations for the baby years?”

With a real friend who gets you, you can stay vague while including warmth and personal connection.

“Thanks for sharing. Right now, I’m focusing on finding a doula and care team that I can trust.”

I recently supported a family with a pushy mother in law who disapproved of their desire to limit the number of baby toys. She kept buying stuff for them and bringing the topic up repeatedly, taking their stance personally, and lecturing her daughter about their long family history of abundant toy providing.

Cultural battles of this sort may require something truly firm (yet kind):

“I appreciate hearing your opinions. We are figuring out our own way. Can you give us space to do that?”

In their case, a true boundary had to be set: “if you bring more stuff, we are going to donate it.”

As much as possible, keep it kind. Pausing before responding gives you control. Breathing before speaking helps you stay calm. There is no need to justify your position, or set up shields.

Remember, while it is natural to protect your energy while you are pregnant, you are not a delicate flower. You are not a sponge - you do not have to absorb the BS. You can truly let unwanted advice or unhelpful stories roll off you as “water off a duck’s back”. 

Learn to relax your nervous system, and journal through real fears.

Thanks for reading ladies, and I wish you luck and strength in finding your way.