How to have a Blessingway

Wanting more than a baby shower or a nesting party?

I am grateful that my friends and I have been cultivating the tradition of the blessingway for new-mamas-to-be for the last couple decades. Here's what it's all about.

I was not yet a mom of two when my new friends in my new area threw a “Blessingway” for me. With my first, I had a regular baby shower. Traditional in that there were gifts for the baby, non-traditional in that men were allowed. Old friends of mine from college and extended family came from near and far. They gave baby stuff and children's books with loving messages inscribed inside. It was beautiful and joyful. I felt the attention on the baby and it felt very welcoming. 

Pregnant with my second, we had all the “stuff” - the gender neutral clothing, the changing table, the baby carriers. We had the gear and the know how, to some extent anyway. So it was with great gratitude that I accepted something different - the Blessingway. My friend Deirdre explained something about her hippie friend group in Maine, along with some native tradition roots. I was in. I always longed for something deeper.

[Cultural Note: The term Blessingway comes from sacred Navajo (Diné) ceremonies, which are not about birth but are complex spiritual rituals conducted by trained practitioners. Some prefer to use terms like Mother Blessing or Birthing Blessing out of respect for Indigenous traditions.]

There were about 10 of us on the day, including my mom, my sister in law, and 2 friends who had no children. The rest were mom friends. We sat in a circle, as they all read something they had brought, mostly handwritten on cards. These were quotes and messages of wisdom and blessing. We passed around a string, and each woman added beads that they had brought for this purpose. Some were handmade clay beads, some were gemstones, some were wood or plastic. Each explained why she chose those particular beads, and what they represented - power, courage, trust, serenity, joy, beauty, and the like. 

Finally, we passed around a ball of yarn, wrapping it around our left wrist three times as we went. When we were all connected, Deirdre said - as we are all connected now, so we will remain connected, sending love to you and your babe up to and through the birth. We passed the scissors, and helped each other tie them off as yarn bracelets. That specific yarn was a hand-dyed, hand spun rich brown that Deirdre’s mom had made when she was alive and working as a fiber artist. 

Then - we feasted. Small plates, olives, hummus, cheese, roasted peppers, a paleo bread made of only nuts and eggs - these are the delights I recall. 

Since that time, I have been thrilled to be the recipient of 2 more blessingways, and have hosted and co-hosted 6 more. Here is what they had in common. 

Activities:

We start out with an activity, along with a little snack like popcorn while everyone is arriving and chatty. For summer/fall babies, it is nice to do this part outside.

• Baby clothes decorating

  We provide the onesies and the fabric markers, and everyone designs an outfit, whether they claim artistic inclination or not. 

• Rock painting

  River rocks, found or bought by the bag, along with glitter markers, paint markers, any type of permanent markers. Everyone doodles with words that feel right in the moment: “love”, “open”, “trust”, “breathe”, “strength”. These still adorn the houseplants and pots around my home, chipped and faded, but still shouting their messages of love.

• Tea Making

  Use a new mama tea recipe. Mix it in a huge bowl, with everyone imbuing their own magic and blessings. Stuff the bags together. Feel the connection to all women everywhere throughout time who lived in community, laughing in flow as they worked. 

  I chose the “Keep Calm Momma” tea from Herbal Academy (no affiliation). This tea is delicious, and is enjoyed by all. Get the little unbleached string bags to stuff them in. If you make a lot, everyone takes home a ziploc bag, with about a three month supply going home with mom. We feel connected while sipping it. 

Offering:

Then we move inside, sit in roughly a circle and get quiet, giving our attention to each woman in turn around the circle. This part may contain tears. In a recent blessingway I hosted for a first time mom, she thought it was a party. Until we all started speaking to her in this structure, and she realized the depth of the support. She told me later that she hadn't allowed herself to let the depth of her transition really hit her until that gathering of women.

• Cloth

  Bring a scrap, a recycled piece of clothing, a yard, old bedding, as tiny or big as you like. Share why it is meaningful to you. I have a friend who made a beautiful crazy quilted piece of art from her gifts. Mine are in a bag in a closet, waiting to be found in my future grandmother crafting years. 

• Beads

  Described above.

• Words

  Beautiful cards. Books with artwork alongside life-altering quotes. Something you scribble straight from the heart in the car when you arrive. A poem read off your phone. Any uplifting empowering words work. I kept a small stack of these cards and papers in the drawer of my bedside table and often read through them when I sat nursing my baby, remembering that I wasn't alone in my dark and light moments.

Kai Skye "The Gift of You" Used without permission. All rights reserved to the original artist. Prints Available.

Tips:

• Do whatever you want. Make it yours, make it young, make it fresh, make it real. I’ve heard of henna painting, meditation, massage. There are no rules!

• Let the mother-to-be choose the guests, and let them be her most trusted friends only. There is no obligation to invite aunts or mothers or coworkers or neighbors. Invite only those that make her shine brighter. 

• She provides the email addresses or phone numbers, and the hosts take it from there. The mother to be brings nothing. Let the guests bring their offering, a dish or drink to share, something to read, and possible money to throw in to cover event expenses (do you know how much organic tea herbs cost even in bulk??)

The blessingway is not for the baby, but it blesses the baby by caring for the mother in their oneness. The blessingway is for the mother on her journey as she approaches her birth and motherhood for the first time or again. It honors her as the vessel of life and love. It gives space to her to weep and beam, to glow in her seat, preferably with her feet up. She basks in the energy of her dear friends or family, only her inner most chosen circle. She is filled up with wisdom, support, love. She is whole in her circle of women. 

It feels that this is how we were meant to mother - with our mothers and friends and grandmothers and sisters by our side, if only for that Saturday afternoon. With words and tokens to guide us and bless our path. This tradition has been so meaningful in my life and my friends’. 

Here’s to the peace, joy, and strength to those who bless and are blessed by it. Consider this your lineage and invitation. 

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There are simple yet powerful ways you can feel supported on the journey to motherhood.

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